Giving ahead and giving more is a concept that resonates deeply with Gordon Neufeld's theory of development. But what does this look like in practice? What do we truly feel when we receive this "ahead" and "more"?
For me, a tangible example of such care, although it might sound amusing, is the number of towels in a hotel.
Recently, during a weekend trip to the south, we stayed in three different hotels. In the first hotel, there wasn't a single towel. Not one! Thankfully, I had packed my own. This lack of hospitality made us feel unwelcome, despite the hotel's other advantages: a stunning view of the sea, a relaxed policy about our dog, and satisfactory cleanliness. Without towels, the warmth and coziness were missing, and everything felt "off."
In the second hotel, we were given exactly one towel per person, excluding our discreetly hidden dog. The request was fulfilled, but it felt transactional. It reminded me of when you ask your spouse for flowers, and they buy them out of obligation. The flowers are there, but the joy isn't because they were asked for. Everything felt predictable and constrained, like eggs in a carton. You end up fretting over each one, worried something might go wrong. The towels were rationed as if they were a scarce resource, needed only for a few hours.
In the third hotel, we were greeted with four towels in a gift wrapper. Later, seeing our group, they brought us an abundance of towels, many of which we didn't even use. This gesture made us feel truly invited to stay, comfortable and cared for, at least for the duration of our visit.
Given equal or slightly unequal conditions, I'll always choose the hotel where new towels are plentiful each day. The more, the better. Enough to wrap ourselves and even our dog. Eventually, there will come a time when we won't need all those towels, but the abundance will have already created a sense of generosity and welcome.
It's the same with affection: when there's not enough, you tend to criticize, nitpick, and find flaws. But when there's an abundance, even more than you need, you feel valued and cherished. So, if you ever find yourself in doubt, remember the lesson of the hotel towels—give generously and without reservation.