Divorce can feel like a series of self-imposed prisons. From my own experience, perhaps you’ll recognize some of the stages I went through.
A few months after the separation, I quickly concluded that I was to blame for everything and worked hard to become "a good girl." In our marriage, I was vibrant, sometimes to my husband’s discomfort. I was wrong, frivolous, and demanding. I didn’t hide my moods, whether good or bad.
The Stage of Repentance
After he left, I sat in a chair one day, staring at our fish tank, thinking. It dawned on me that he had chosen someone else because of a fundamental flaw in me. I decided it was my difficult personality, stubbornness, and inability to accept him as he was. This led me to a stage of repentance, my first self-imposed prison.
I began to criticize myself for everything—unironed shirts, putting soda instead of salt in porridge, not bandaging his finger when he cut himself, dancing too loudly at parties, manipulating him into getting a dog he didn’t want, and reading instead of going to bed with him. I felt like a monster and beat myself up every night, believing I deserved the pain.
The Stage of Fear
Following repentance came fear, my second prison. I became terrified of messing up again, of saying or doing the wrong thing and driving him away. His visits became more frequent, but each one filled me with tension. I behaved like a trained animal, silencing my true self to avoid conflict.
One day, while walking in the park in high heels, I wanted to throw off my shoes and walk barefoot, leaving him behind. But I suppressed the urge, smiled, and pretended everything was fine. I returned home and cried from the sheer weight of my lies and the suffocating sense of unfreedom. It hurt that he left us, but instead of expressing my pain, I nodded and smiled.
Embracing Self-Respect
I’ve learned to fear hurting those I love, but I now understand it’s even more important not to hurt myself. Don't be afraid to end relationships that stifle your true self, fill you with guilt, and make you feel inferior. Don’t be afraid to lose someone if it means you lose yourself in the process.
Practical Recommendations for Moving Forward
Read Empowering Literature: A great resource is "Women Who Run With the Wolves." It explores women’s strength, parting, and rebirth, helping you tap into internal resources through imagery rather than logic.
Change Your Environment: Break free from your routine. Whether it’s a trip, a new course, or a different city, change your surroundings to gain a fresh perspective. Avoid places associated with past memories.
Expand Your Social Circle: Meet new people and broaden your network. Engage with others who share your interests and inspire you.
Engage in Creative Activities: Rediscover what makes your soul sing. Whether it's art, writing, or another passion, let creativity fill your life.
Envision Your Future: Write down your goals and dreams for the next five years. Focus on your appearance, career, personal life, and other aspects. Visualize your happy day and how you feel in it.
Avoid Rebound Relationships: Don’t rush into new relationships if they feel wrong. Take time to heal and rediscover yourself before getting involved with someone new.
Respect Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel anger or humility as needed. Trust your instincts about what is beneficial for you, rather than what you think will maintain the relationship.
Conclusion
Divorce is a painful journey, but it can also be a path to self-discovery and empowerment. By focusing on your inner strength, creativity, and future goals, you can break free from the prisons of repentance and fear. Embrace the opportunity to rebuild your life on your own terms, and remember that you deserve to be happy and free.
If you find yourself struggling, remember that it’s okay to seek help and take things one step at a time. Your journey to healing and self-discovery is unique, and every step you take is a victory in itself.